Most recently, I had a predisposed fear about working with my new horse. I didn’t know him other than what I heard from others. He had thrown them off and I was doubting my capabilities as a horse person to be able to handle him. This fear had kept me from being able to connect with him to find his true potential.
But, I did it. I persevered. I triumphed and got on him the first time on the 29th of January. Nothing bad happened and it felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I was really mad at myself for being so hesitant and being such a “chicken shit.” But I also know that I needed to take time to connect with him.
Two of my childhood friends and really encouraged me with my strengths. This shows me, yet again, that sometimes it is okay to lean on trusting people for support. That letting my guard down and accepting help can be a good thing. Trusting others is something I have found difficult for most of my life. Being independent is great but I miss having someone to lean on when times are tough.
I think this is part of the reason I am so scared to get into a relationship. Because I feel I have to be independent. Otherwise, I will be viewed as weak. And that is fear talking. I have to tell myself that I am not weak if I find myself a partner. It will not diminish who I am as a person. But, sometimes, I really feel that way. I feel like I will los myself if I “give” myself to another. So I become guarded and jaded toward men because that is a safe space for me.
So I often ask myself, how come I can’t take the first step? I have a hard time cracking this code within myself because I second guess myself. Also fear? Probably. Or, is it fear that people I talk to think less of me? I have put myself on an out of reach pedestal so now I have become inaccessible to anyone of the opposite sex.
This fear is something that I would like to work on more and continue to grow. Maybe more support from my friends and go on a double date. This is what helped me when it came time to get on my new horse. Friends are there to support me when I am not feeling confident. Every one needs help sometimes and always going it alone does not work for me!
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