Breaking Free from People-Pleasing and Embrace Boundaries Setting
Over-functioning in relationships is a common yet often misunderstood behavior that can significantly impact the dynamics between partners, co-workers, friends, or family members. At its core, over-functioning involves taking on more responsibility than is fair or necessary, often to control outcomes or avoid conflict. While it may seem like a caring or selfless act, over-functioning can lead to burnout, chronic emotions like anger and resentment, and unhealthy relationships patterns. This article explores the problems associated with over-functioning, its link to people-pleasing, and the crucial role of setting boundaries.
What is Over-Functioning?
Over-functioning occurs when one person in a relationship takes on the majority of the tasks, decisions, or emotional labor, often compensating for the other person’s under-functioning. This can manifest as constantly managing schedules, solving problems, making decisions, or being overly involved in another’s emotional well-being. While it may start from a place of good intentions, over-functioning ultimately creates an imbalance where one person is overly responsible while the other becomes less engaged or dependent.
The Link Between Over-Functioning and People-Pleasing
Notably, one of the primary drivers of over-functioning is the desire to please others. People-pleasers often go to great lengths to make others happy, even at their own expense. They may over-extend themselves to avoid disappointing others or to gain approval and validation. In relationships, this can translate to constantly saying “yes,” taking on extra responsibilities, or neglecting their own needs and boundaries to keep the peace.
People-pleasers often:
- Avoid conflict by over-accommodating others’ needs.
- Feel responsible for others’ emotions and problems.
- Seek external validation by being overly helpful or self-sacrificing.
- Struggle with saying “no,” leading to anger and resentment toward others.
While people-pleasing may temporarily create harmony, it usually results in deeper issues, including burnout, resentment, and a lack of genuine connection. Oftentimes, the other person may begin to take the over-functioner for granted, expecting them to continue managing everything without recognizing the toll it takes.
The Consequences of Over-Functioning
Over-functioning can have several negative consequences, including:
- Loss of Identity: Constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own can cause you to lose touch with your own desires, goals, and identity. Over time, you may feel disconnected from who you are and what you genuinely want out of life and relationships.
- Burnout and Resentment: Taking on too much can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. When the over-functioner feels overwhelmed, they may become resentful and frustrated with the other person for not stepping up, even if they have never communicated their needs or set boundaries.
- Enabling Under-Functioning: By consistently over-functioning, you enable the other person to under-function, reinforcing an unhealthy dynamic. The other person may become dependent on you to handle everything, which can stifle their growth and create an imbalanced relationship.
- Lack of Authentic Connection: Relationships thrive on mutual support and understanding. When one person is always in the role of the doer, organizer, caregiver or problem-solver, it can negatively impact genuine connection and intimacy. The relationship typically feels one-sided, lacking the reciprocity needed for a balanced and an authentic intimate connection.
The Importance of Boundary Setting
In order to combat over-functioning, it’s essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and others, defining what is acceptable and what is not. They protect our time, energy, and well-being and are critical for maintaining healthy relationships.
Here’s how to start setting boundaries to reduce over-functioning:
- Identify Your Values: Write down what you are okay and not okay with.
- Decide on what boundaries need to be set and with whom: Based on your values, with whom do you need to set boundaries and why?
- Boundaries need consequences : When you are setting interpersonal values, the boundaries are for you, need appropriately matching consequences, or they are not boundaries.
- Understanding how we sabotage our own boundaries with emotions such as guilt and shame: Boundaries that we set are for us. When your boundaries are crossed, you are the one who crosses them. Often because of emotions such as guilt (believe that you are doing something wrong) and shame (having low self-worth).
Learn more about boundaries setting with interactive book: The Four Essential Pillars of Boundary setting
Learn interesting information about mental health!
Embracing Balance in Relationships
Over-functioning is a pattern that can be broken with self-observation, intention, the willingness to set boundaries, and if needed, with the help of licensed mental health practitioners. By letting go of the need to control or please, we allow space for more balanced, authentic connections where both parties can contribute equally. Having genuine boundaries not only protects your well-being but also allows for healthier, more fulfilling relationships built on mutual respect and support.
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Very informative article, thank you for sharing!