I have always dealt with my social anxiety as long as I can remember. I would always be too shy and too afraid to speak for myself. So I would cling to my mom’s leg, or my brother Ron would speak for me. It tool a lot for me to open up unless I was comfortable with some one.
When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with [social] anxiety disorder (A.K.A Cluster C Avoidant Personality Disorder). Honestly, I really don’t know what it is like to not have social anxiety. I could be walking down the street and hear someone laughing in the distance and it always felt like they were laughing at me or making fun of me. There is not always logic, Just a feeling.
When it comes to relationships (not just romantic but relationships in general) if someone is mad or makes a poor choice, I feel like it’s somehow a reflection on me or that I could have done something for things to turn out differently. When I was with T, I blamed myself for giving him too much time to build hid business when he just wasted the time. When I was with E, I blamed myself for losing the baby even though I know it is not the case. Some things just happen.
There’s a lot that I put on myself when it’s not necessarily anything I could have done. So it is hard to get myself out of the cycle. I have even blamed myself for getting raped and sexually assaulted on many occasions. It’s just that constant fear in the back of my mind that I could have been stronger. I should’ve been better. I could’ve been in a different place at the time. I should’ve been stronger…there’s always something. But their actions aren’t on me.
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